The traditional African community has a socio-dependent structure which forms the core of the society. The family, both nuclear and extended, makes up the foundation from which the moral, spiritual, economic, social and political values are concretized. It is the most important of institutions in Africa because it constitutes the pillar on which rests the entire social structure. It is a system in which no one is supposed to have a life of their own because every member of the family directly or indirectly has a role to play in the life of the individual member.

The benefits of the extended family system cannot be overlooked as it increases a sense of security and responsibility, provides boundaries and limitations, increases entrepreneurial growth, defines expectation and assists in fashioning the focus of every member. For example, in a situation where a member of an extended family looses a parent who is supposed to be the bread winner, the other members of the family rally around to see that such a child does not lack. Another example of the extended family influence is in the area of marriage. When a young male or female member of an African extended family becomes of age to be married, it becomes the responsibility of every adult married or widowed member to inquire, query, advice and practically harass such a member until he or she finds a mate. In some cases, parents, aunties and sometimes uncles, go a step further to arrange for a spouse for the unmarried ones who in some extreme cases suffer ostracizing in situations where the unmarried refuses to concur.

There is hardly any African, Nigerian or Ika person in particular who hasn’t had the slightest stint of the extended family experience. Everyone has a story to tell; some interesting, others bitter and full of regret. I spoke to a couple of people who shared their extended family experiences with me.

Peter*, a CEO of a private manufacturing company, is a major beneficiary of the benevolence of the extended family. He says ‘whatever I am today, I owe it first and foremost to God, and to my uncle Onyeka* and his wife, Nkechi*’. Peter who had his primary school education in Umunede, could not afford to go further because his parents where very poor and didn’t see a need for it. So he became a farm boy. However his future turned around one blessed Christmas when Uncle Onyeka and his wife visited for the holidays. Peter’s intelligent answers to questions thrown at him by his Uncle Onyeka earned him his ticket to Surulere, Lagos were his uncle lived. ‘That move to Lagos changed my life.’ said Peter. ‘I did my best to do all the house hold chores as a sign of gratitude and ran errands for auntie Nkechi which endeared me to her as she didn’t have children of her own. After two years of staying with them, Aunty gave birth to her first and only child after 10years of marriage. She accorded the blessing to my staying with them and started referring to me as her first son.’ I have done very well since my secondary and university education, and in my business of which the initial capital was given me by my uncle.’

But this is not the same story for Chekwume*, a successful manager with a leading Nigerian financial institution. She had a traumatic experience while growing up as a teenager in her Uncle Austin’s house. She remembers her experience vividly: ‘Auntie Christy*, my uncle’s wife was a witch’. Chekwume said ‘Both my parents died when I was only 10 years old. My uncle took me in with the intention of giving me a formal education, but Christy, his wife, had other plans. She was not particularly happy that I was coming to live with them and did not fail to express her displeasure through words and action.’ Chekwume continued with her story of how Aunty Christy constantly reminded her that staying with them was a temptation and a trap set by their extended family. At first, Aunty Christy only spoke harshly to Chekwume until the day Chekwume broke a ceramic plate. Chekwume recounts her experience with tears filled eyes: ‘that was my baptism of fire. Aunty Christy thoroughly beat me with whatever she came in contact with. She even marked my leg with a piece of the china plate’ as she lifted up her skirt to reveal her scars of many years. In all of these, her uncle Austin hardly reacted to her narration of her experiences whenever he came back from work. ‘All he did was to remind me to read my books and accept life the way I saw it. He even added to my pains by reminding me that I had nowhere else to go. This led me to withdraw into my books. Thanks to God, despite all odds, I excelled in my education better that any of her children and here I am a successful executive!’ Chekwume went further to say ‘After my first salary, I made sure that I bought Aunty Christy six dozens of expensive china plates as ‘gratitude for her harboring me. I know she got the message!’

Clara* is a happily married woman with two handsome and active sons. She lives in a comfortable house in Ikeja, Lagos owned by her husband, Ben Osemeke*. However, life had not always been a happy one for Clara. ‘When I was 25years old, I lost my then fiancé to a car accident. I thought that was the end of the world for me. I neither ate nor drank well and I lost all my sense of belief in God for I felt that was very unjust.’ For the next four years that followed, Clara went into her shell and said good bye to socialization. Her family became more worried as she approached her 30^th birthday. No one understood her except her elderly and widowed aunt, Mary, with whom she spent most of her weekends and spare time. Ben, a good friend to Auntie’s youngest son Chuka while they were both in the UK for studies, was back to Nigeria as he was offered an appointment by a leading oil company because of his area of expertise. ‘The first time we met in Auntie’s house, I was not in any way attracted to him as he had this subtle ‘arrogant air’ of a typical Ika man. On my subsequent weekend visits to Auntie’s, Ben was always there for lunch, cracking jokes and saying interesting parables in pure and fluent Ika. I got attracted but was scared to lay down my guard of ‘no relationship’. One day, after Ben left for home, Aunty called me aside and said to me “Nwam, I know how you feel, for I too have loved and lost someone, but the difference is that the memory of the life we spent together as husband and wife has kept me going. I’ve also got lovely children to show for it. Life is too short to spend it alone, give this young man a chance.” It was after I fell in love with him that I discovered that Aunty, our matchmaker, was the brain behind his constant visits and sold the idea of marriage to him.’

Mrs. Tessy Okoro*, a provision store owner and a mother of four daughters spoke strongly against keeping members of the extended family especially when they are much older than the children at home. She explains ‘I am not against helping any less privileged family member. But I would not advise anyone to bring them into their homes. My experience was most unpalatable. I took my second cousin’s son Richard to the city just to be of help to his family by sending him to school. He constantly complained about school and always stayed out of his classes. He insisted that he wanted to be a carpenter. So after much effort I let him have his way and he joined a carpentry shop close to the house.’

She continued ‘the horror came when my first daughter returned from after school lessons to discovered that Richard was sexually molesting my second and third daughters whom I left under his care. Although he threatened them not to tell me, my first daughter courageously told me when I returned from the market with their baby sister. I sent Richard right back to the village and swore never to bring any one to my home again.’

More often than not, less privilege members of the extended family have impossible expectations from the more successful or privileged ones. The less successful sometimes make impossible demands and expect that the privileged one must agree to their every one of them. This has led to discord, strife, unhealthy rivalry, jealousy, envy and the ‘pull him down’ syndrome in many families. There are cases of people living and working for many years overseas, who have sent their hard earned money to relations back home to set up a businesses, build a house or carry out projects for them back in Nigeria, only to find out that on a return visit, little or nothing had been done. Some other less successful ones who had equal opportunities earlier in life with the successful ones sometimes blame their circumstances on the inability of their successful relation to help them, rather than take responsibilities for their actions.

However, the fact that there have been negative out comes from extending a helping hand to less privileged family members does not completely rule out the expediency of that culture. So many people in countless ways have benefited from such gestures. I believe it is not the help that matters but how the assistant is rendered. Before giving a helping hand, we must learn to weigh it to see how best such a relation can benefit without having any adverse effect on our immediate family. It is often said that it is better to teach a person how to fish than to give the person fish to eat. Any person in the position of being helped should always see it as a privilege and not a right and should make the best out of the situation however palatable or unpalatable it may be. Our future is completed dependent on the choices we make today. Let us learn to make the right choice and take responsibility for our actions.

 

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